The Red Waters

The emotions crash like waves.

I used to dismiss them
As a coping mechanism –
But now I have jumped off the boat
And I have to keep my head afloat.

Dark waters as far as my eyes can see –
It seems even the stars have left me
And I have to use my energy sparingly
So I can breathe,
But the wounds have started to bleed.

The scars from the past are open
And the waters are turning red
All around, without a sound –
As the blood pours out.

But it is a release – a relief
And I start to believe
I can ride the waves
With this lesser weight,
And find my way.

Freedom

Freedom accompanies me
But I wish she would leave me be.

Being free doesn’t please the guilty –
As they constantly plead their case subconsciously.
Their conscience is unclean,
And the sheen has been gone for so long –
They are gasping, their soul longs
For an existence of innocence.

My chest feels tight, and I do try –
But I’m so tired
All the time.

The Process of Processing

The words I said after we got out bed still ring in my head.
How I felt so lucky being in that place –
That space, a dream from which I didn’t want to wake.
But before we made a mistake you ended it
For both of us our sake.

It was a matter I didn’t dare bring up while together,
Because I believed I didn’t deserve any better.
But now I do.
And I know I no longer want to be with you –
It’s true –
But I did love waking up next to you.

I try to just dismiss it,
Then a certain song comes along
And I start to miss it.

I can’t pretend that I want that again though,
We got to the end of our show
Before we reached the crescendo.
We fell and melted like snow
In the Summer
And did not last till Fall.

Yeah
All in all –
What a bummer.

Final Beat

Submerged in the sadness
In the filthiest bath,
Dealing with endless madness,
Call me Sylvia Plath.

Play the sad violins
While I’m turning up the heat,
This is where the end begins,
So listen to this final beat;

Listen

To the silence.

The Rapids of Life

I’m stuck in the rapids,
Tumbling through the water,
With the occasional moment of rest
When I float with the current
And let it carry me along.
I don’t blame you,
Myself
Or anyone else.

This river that I’ve fallen into
Can never find its peace
And shatters me to pieces
Time after time.
The rope that would pull me out
Stays out of reach,
But maybe that’s for the better.

I need to learn how to swim
And hold my breath;
But at times like these
When it pulls me under
Again and again,
I want to close my eyes
And let go.

Washed Ashore

I never took what we had for granted,
And I know I’m so lucky to have had even a short time with you.
I’ll still love you,
But just in a different way;
Because I know we’ll still be there in sunshine and rain.

I know we’re both floating on an unknown ocean right now,
But these waves will one day wash us ashore.
It may be to the same place,
Or maybe not,
But either way
I’ll always be just a phone call away.

A Silent Fall

I remember having my arms around you
In a cocoon of comfort,
As my breath ran down your spine.
Neither of us knew if it would last a life time,
But at least it lasted till the end of that morning;
Before the sun fell out of the sky,
And it flew to me like a reverse Icarus.

The knot that kept us tied together,
Was undone before it could be secured.
But it may be for the better,
Or else the impact would have been much worse.
Now it was a mere meteorite
Falling from the greatest height
That stopped me from falling further,
But it arrived without a single sound.

Only my footsteps,
The wind blowing through the trees
And a few golden leaves,
Floating carelessly
To accompany me
At the moment of devastation.

I hope that at least
Someone was there with you,
Maybe that silly goose,
When you told me that final truth.

A Hair

Written in the morning, at a windy busstop.

I found one of your hairs again,
Clinging desperately to my shirt in the wind.
I remember coming home and finding more
Sticking to my socks because you barely clean your floor;
But they were a part of you
Even when we’d be apart.

I’m going to miss those grumpy groans of yours,
And how your hair would look like loose hay in the morning;
Or those overbearing yawns that sound like a cow just walked into the room.

Every day with you I found something new to love,
Another thing to remember and appreciate.

But now
That chapter has also met its end,
And it’s time for the story to continue.

I pluck the hair off my shirt
And let the wind carry me away.

Footsteps in the Storm

The mourning sun hangs sullenly in the sky,
From a fragile thread that has been given too much responsibility.
Grey clouds are scattered over the horizon,
A foreboding sign of what approaches.
I could hear the falling footsteps from time to time,
Crashing into the earth again and again
Before fading away.

But now the day has come.
As the footsteps draw near, the clouds follow suit.
They are like grey hounds, wishing to be released and bring forth their chaos.
The last light disappears, as the thread finally fails.

There is one final footstep.
Briefly, there is no sound
Except my unsteady breath
As she stands in front of me.
I see a tear on her cheek, yearning for freedom,
Before it slowly rolls down.

The floodgates then open,
And so do mine.
The clouds are released, and the wind howls louder than our cries,
And there is a breathless havoc of rain, thunder, hail, memories,
And the memories that were still to come
All whirling around us as we stand there in the eye of the storm
As we try to just

Breathe.

There is nothing to fear,
As the clouds disappear.

Our tears will dry as the sun begins to shine,
As once again your heart is yours
And my heart is mine.